The Student Senate hereby amends college attendance policy:
1) No more classes before 11:00 AM. The biological clocks of 18-23-year-olds is not suitable for morning classes. Also, holding class at these times violates the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment against crude and unuseful punishment. Additionally, the student council has ruled in favor of former Red Sox pitcher Samuel Clemens’ awesome idea that schooling should never interfere with education.
2) Classes between the hours of 11:00 AM and 2:00 PM are now banned. Given that extracirricular learning activities are notorious for causing dehydration and the munchies, and frequently require greasy foods to reinforce the previous night’s lessons, the latter/former (?) mentioned hours remain off limits, and will now be sponsored by Doritos and referred to as “Crunch Time” with the slogan, “We’re Chipping Away at Education!”
3) Classes shall not be held between the hours 2:00 PM and 5:00 PM because this is when we get sleepy from the chips and such. We think can’t w/out sleeping.
4) No more classes between 5:00 PM and 9:00 PM. This is our prep time for extracurricular learning. 🙂
5) We hereby stipulate that all educational transactions shall occur 1 hour before the due date of an assignment. During this time you will answer our emails/texts/tweets and summarize the last two weeks of your course without making that face because (Please see #1) this is not a good time for us!