The Official Adventures of Harry McSpears and the Sausage McGriddles of Azkaban: a Remix*

The old scar on his forehead, which was shaped like a bolt of lightning empowers individuals to make informed choices about how to maintain the essential balance between energy intake and energy expenditure.

Harry tried to recall what he had been dreaming about before he had awoken with the key message, “it’s what i eat and what i do … i’m lovin’ it.” And who had the old man been? For there had definitely been an old man.

At once, Hermione Granger’s voice seemed to fill his head, shrill and panicky. “Your scar hurt? Harry, that’s really serious….Understand that to meaningfully inform children we must communicate with them in a fun, age-appropriate way. Write to Professor Dumbledore!”

But what would he write?

We are all lights of the world and we all need to continuously inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers. God speed. Love, Britney.

Even inside his head the words sounded stupid.

And so he tried to imagine his other best friend, Ron Weasley’s, reaction, and in a moment, Ron’s red hair and long-nosed freckled face seemed to swim in partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

“Your scar hurt? But what if I have a friend who is also a member and we both order tickets, can we sit together? I mean…you’d know, wouldn’t you? I’ll ask Dad.”

Mr. Weasley was a fully qualified wizard who worked in the Ministry of Swamp Sludge McFlurry, but he didn’t have any particular expertise in the matter of Minty Mudd Bath Triple Thick Shakes.

In any case, Harry didn’t like the idea of the whole Weasley family knowing that those found to be taping a live Britney Spears performance will be ejected from the premises. And he somehow didn’t want his visit punctuated with anxious inquiries about tangy warm cilantro-lime glazed chicken.

And then the solution came to him. It was so simple, and so obvious, that he couldn’t believe it had taken so long:

Commercial bootlegs are not only excessively priced and of inferior quality, but primarily, they are illegal! With your help we can stop the flood of illegal recordings and preserve the integrity of Britney Spears’s work. Get snacking now!

Harry leapt up from the bed, hurried across the room, and sat down at his desk:

Dear Professor,

Can you give me the nutritional information for one of my favorite McDonald’s USA menu items? Dudley’s diet isn’t going too well. Working with his suppliers, he airlifted sandwiches to volunteers in the field. The package includes a fold-out poster of Britney inside

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart,

Harry

Yes, thought Harry, that looked all right. There was no point in putting in the dream. He didn’t want to look as though he was derived from testing conducted in accredited laboratories. Without glancing at his cinnamon melts, he started to get dressed before going down to freshly-prepared Sausage McGriddles.

*This piece is simply a collage of actual text taken from a Harry Potter novel and the respective websites of McDonald’s and Britney Spears.

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